Letters to the Emperor
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like being a college football player with a lucrative NIL sponsorship deal for diaper rash crème.
There is no pithy intro paragraph this month. Nero has too much sports stuff to shovel.
First question.
DEAR NERO,
“My guy friends constantly invite me to pub night at River Remedy Brewing, but they always talk about sports, mainly football. Sports do not interest me at all. Can you give me some buzzwords or key phrases to say so I can contribute to the conversation without watching any football contests?
— ANONYMOUS DUDE | Don’t tell anyone I asked you for help
DEAR DUDE,
Here is a list of pigskin pontifications to share with your beer bros that demand no explanation.
- “NIL is ruining college football.”
- “Alabama is overrated this year.” [Always true, regardless of the season.]
- “The recent conference realignment is confusing. Did DeVry and the University of Phoenix Online end up in the Atlantic Coast Fifteen or the Pac Thirty?”
- “NIL is saving college football.” [No one will remember you took the opposing viewpoint earlier. Silly sausage, your bar friends aren’t listening to you, but are waiting for their turn to talk.]
- “Tom Brady is ruining college football. Did you know he thinks strawberries are gross and un-American? As if we needed another reason to detest that guy.”
- “War Eagle / Hoddy-Toddy / Roll Tide / Boomer Sooner / WE ARE Penn State / Wooo, Pig Sooie / Ohhhhh-oh-ohhhh-ohhhhhhhhh / Geaux Tigers” [Interchangeable celebrations. Pick any at random to shout with fury.]
If all those suggestions fail, select any state and the birth year of an elderly relative. Confidently declare, “Remember the team from the [University of Delaware] in [1938]? They should have won it all.”
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR EMPEROR,
“My usually responsible husband spent $150 to get the new College Football video game. Since it arrived, he’s been glued to the TV 24/7 and even called in sick for work on Monday. Can you please explain what the big deal is? And how do I get the father of my children back from this childish video game coma?”
— Brandi D’Elmore | Concerned Wife, Coosa High School Class of ‘01
DEAR BRANDI
The last college football game was released in 2013. To put your hubby’s longing into perspective. Imagine if Taylor Swift had an eleven-year absence between concerts, and on the night of her glorious comeback, she got married on stage, and Justin Timberlake officiated the ceremony. When Taylor said, “I do,” fans witnessed a total solar eclipse AND the return of Halley’s Comet. Now multiply your enthusiasm for that once-in-a-lifetime experience by 100, and you will come close to the appropriate level of excitement for this video game.
For your second question, my advice is simple. Challenge him to play Dynasty Mode as Tennessee. The simulation is so realistic that he’s guaranteed to give up after the third or fourth football game.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NERO
“Are you a sports fan? Who’s your favorite?”
— Angel Del Ray | 4th Grader at East Central Elementary
DEAR ANGEL,
Most people like a good underdog story, but Ole’ Nero always roots for the Lions. But with all the red tape and government bureaucracy, finding prisoners willing to “volunteer” to fight in the coliseum is becoming increasingly challenging. And then, even if you find a place to hold the festivities afterward, the venue won’t refund the deposit due to “excess cleaning fees.”
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR EMPEROR NERO,
“Simone Biles is my hero, and Katie Ledecky is a legend. My new favorite meme star is the Turkish athlete who won a silver medal with a hand in his pocket and no safety gear. Do you have any thoughts on the Olympics? I cannot get enough!”
Belvary McAldletots | Only Person in History to Subscribe to NBC’s Peacock Streaming Service
DEAR BELVARY
Thank you dearly for your fandom of Biles, Ledecky, and internet sensation Yusuf Dikec.* Your casual name-dropping raised this story’s SEO by 10,000 Google points.
Nero loves the Olympics—the pageantry, the poetry in motion, the intense competition between Snoop Dogg outfits. As far as the emperor is concerned, it’s all gold-medal sports entertainment.
Except swimming.
Olympic swimming has too many absurd variations to be different legitimate sports. Instead of moving through the water as fast as you can, it’s swimming with your hands above your head, hugging a grizzly bear. Now, backwards. Now kick the water like a tree frog and some nonsense about butterflies.
Imagine if other Olympic sports used the same false logic as swimming events.
Noah Lyles may be the fastest man to run the 100-meter dash this year, but would he still win if everyone in the finals hopped on one leg? Would Sha’Carri Richardson find redemption in Paris if she had to run the 200 meters facing the wrong direction and punching at the clouds? How long would the marathon last if contestants had to walk like crabs?
Nero could go on and on to fill the minimum word requirements for this article. But do you get my point? Not even Snoop Dogg could prevent the ridiculousness of Olympic Swimming. But we sure would like to see him try.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. * Yusuf Dikec is the G.O.A.T.
