Letters to the Emperor
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like that feeling of intellectual disappointment when you go trick-or-treating, and your abundantly clever Halloween costume draws blank stares 261 houses in a row.
Goblins and ghosts,
Skeletons and party hosts.
Macabe and horror,
Paw Patrol and Dora the Explorer.
Nero’s a Halloween poet
Don’t he know it?
First Question.
DEAR NERO,
“Did the Ancient Romans celebrate Halloween?”
Mackenzie “Mac Attack” McMillian | Coosa High School, Class of 2026
DEAR MMAMcM,
If by “Ancient Romans” you mean the spry elderly folks playing pickleball at the Spires, the answer is yes. Retirees have a full slate of age-modified spooky festivities planned by the party committee. Single-residence trick-or-treating, bobbing for dentures, and the Annual Pumpkin-Staring Contest are perennial favorites.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
MR. EMPREROR,
“Every year at Halloween, there is a rash of YouTube and TikTok videos of degenerate parents trying to go viral by pranking their children. A parent captures the reaction of unsuspecting kiddos after PRETENDING to eat all the Halloween candy. The meltdown videos are then exploited for likes and temporary popularity at the expense of their precious offspring. Do you find this behavior as unconscionable as I do?”
Jeazeledean Bisquik | Concerned Mother
DEAR JEAZELEDEAN,
The Emperor agrees with you! Children’s reactions are WAY more authentic if Dad really eats all the candy first.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR BUMBLING NINNY,
“After reading last month’s historically inaccurate pedagogy about Pumpkin Spice, I’m hesitant to see you describe the origins of Halloween.”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DOCTOR TUFFELSON,
You are in luck, professor! My governess recently led me in a tutoring session on the historical significance of autumnal pumpkin holidays, and I’ll recount what I remember.
The word “Halloween” is a phonetic juxtaposition of the Latin root words “Hollow” and “Tween.” This onomatopoeia describes the buckets of chocolate-soaked anxiety every middle school kid feels before Trick-or-Treating.
The holiday was originally a pagan religious ceremony dating back to 1280 BC. Townspeople would gather at nightfall and dress in special cloaks to ward away evil spirits and political spam text messages. It evolved into the modern consumer holiday in the 1880s after Dwight F. Hershey and David Q. RingPop tricked an unsuspecting group of kindergarten parents into giving away overpriced packaged candy.
Then, some other stuff happened that may have involved ghosts, swords, and inflation.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
EMPEROR NERO,
“My girlfriend and I are attending a Halloween party with a costume contest. I’m not a very creative person, and we don’t have a huge budget. Can you recommend some partner costume ideas? What are you dressing up as for Halloween?”
Gregory DuChello | Once Saw Kirby Smart Pumping Gas at the Quick Trip in Cartersville
DEAR GREGORY,
You could try some traditional costume pairings:
- Ken & Barbie
- Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce
- Super Mario & Princess Peach
- Donald & Kamala
- BBQ Ribs & Cholesterol
- Harry Potter & Someone Who Hasn’t Read Any of the Books
- Peanut Butter & Epipens
- A Guy Named “Dave” & A Guy Who Isn’t Named “Dave”
But if there is one thing ole Nero loves about the moral collapse of modern society, it’s how every costume now has a sexy version. Leave a few buttons undone, and wear a pair of skin-tight yoga leggings. Bam! Any attire in your closet instantly becomes a “costume” without costing you a denarius.
Some of my favorites:
- Sexy Nurses
- Sexy Maids
- Sexy Witches
- Sexy Police Officers
- Sexy Tennessee Volunteers Mascots
- Sexy FEMA Hurricane Aid Workers
- Sexy Collard Greens
- Sexy Donald & Kamala
- Sexy Etowah River Tubing Passengers
- Sexy Burger King Night Shift Assistant Managers
- Sexy Dominion Voting Machines
- Sexy Clocktowers
- Sexy Bacon
What is Nero dressing up as? Two words. Sexy Roman Holiday River Boat Party. And don’t forget to take pictures.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine.
