Letters to the Emperor
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like waiting all year to enjoy a home-cooked Thanksgiving meal, but to save $50, you booked your travel on discountgarbageairlines.net.ru. Due to mechanical failure and gross incompetence by the discount airline, the flight was rescheduled for two weeks AFTER Turkey Day. Maybe your younger brother will mail you a bag of stale sweet potatoes?
First Question.
NERO, BRAH,
“Brah, Did you watch the Mike Tyson vs. Jake Paul fight on Netflix? How does it compare to the gladiatorial matches in ancient Rome? I can’t remember if you are a historical figure from the past and then were transported to the future, or you are just some delusional guy from modern times who named himself emperor.”
—Stockton McIntosh | Senior at Amurchee High School
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR STOCKTON,
Nero is unsure if fight is the right word for Tyson v. Paul; he’s seen toddlers land more blows than a geriatric Iron Mike. The Colosseum of Rome was a spectacle of violence and barbaric butchery. The closest modern example is Black Friday shopping, way back when the Mount Berry Mall still had a Circuit City. No cap.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NERO,
“I’m a mother of six children and a self-diagnosed people pleaser. I manage to be okay most of the year, but having relatives over for the holidays brings out the worst in me. My husband, in-laws, and children want different pie flavors for the Thanksgiving meal. How do I choose which dessert to make? Please help!!!”
— Mindy Magelleoni | Supermom; Darlington School, Class of 2002
DEAR MINDY,
I am not a parent, so take my advice with a few grains of gluten. The legacy of my great, great, great, (a bunch more) great grandfather, Julius Ceasar, shows an example you will want to follow. The easiest way to make difficult decisions between your children is to decide which offspring is your favorite.
Not sure how to base the rankings? My preferred method is creating an official Family Nepotism chart that lives on your refrigerator. Award points to each child for unquestioning loyalty, future earning potential, or the results of trial by combat with their siblings. As for your in-laws, if they helped pay for the wedding, you don’t need them anymore.
In the event of a tie score on the Nepot-o-meter, consider this helpful guide of BEST to WORST Thanksgiving pie flavors.
- Pumpkin pie
- Lemon meringue pie
- Chocolate peanut butter pie
- Key lime pie
- Key grapefruit pie
- The number pi, covered in chocolate
- Chick-fil-A Polynesian Sauce meringue pie (not on Sundays)
- Lemon peanut butter pumpkin, with a set of missing keys, accidentally dropped into the raw batter because of a distracted toddler “helping” you to bake it, pie
- Piles of pony dung collected under a full moon at midnight, while being chased by werewolves pie
- Pecan pie
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
- NERO SIR,
“I am tankfule my mummy and dady and my doggee coco. Whut r u tankfule 4?
— Kayleighee Jamieson | Pre-K student at Alto Park Elementary School
DEAR Kayleighee,
Nero is thankful for autocorrect, but he might be the only one.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR BULLY OF IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN,
“Are you going to mock a small child still learning to spell while you hope for a few low-brow laughs? On Thanksgiving? You are a heartless degenerate!”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR PROFESSOR TUFFELBUTT,
For a few laughs? No. The emperor needs at least a baker’s dozen of chuckles and guffaws to feel good about taunting the littles. Since you are so insistent that Kayleighee gets a proper answer, let me tell you all that ole’ Nero is thankful for.
I am tankfule for the minor-league baseball team, which is dedicated to my magnificence. I am thankful that I don’t have to pay property taxes as the rightful Emperor of Rome. Nero is grateful that the U.S. election is over, and 98% of unwanted text messages are bitcoin scams again. The emperor appreciates that in the event of a zombie apocalypse – assuming zombies are terrified of automatic car wash facilities – Nero lives in the safest city in America.
Most importantly, Emperor Nero is thankful to the dedicated team of editors and millions of readers of V3 Magazine, who gave him a platform to publish his mediocre literary rubbish.
Save me a slice of Polynesian Sauce pie. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine.
