
Letter to the Emperor
Friends, Romans, Floyd County-Persons, lend me your ears, again. Harken to another year of my royal gibberish and jabberwocky. Against the better judgment of V3 magazine, Emperor Nero has returned to author regal word babies! The emperor, who often speaks in the third person, will answer your questions and conundrums.*
Need my divine assistance? Don’t leave an itchy pebble in your shoe. Send your questions to EmperorNeroRomanskyKnowsAll@gmail.com.
First Question.
DEAR NERO,
“I saw snow! We built a snowman and then went sledding and everything. I’m so happy!”
LaRita Secundo | 4rd Grader at Pepperill Elementary School,
DEAR LARITA,
The emperor is delighted a ¼ inch of freezing rain brought you such joy. A lesser man would say, “I hope you made some core memories, LaRita. It won’t snow again until 2036.” Lucky for you, Nero is not that man.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NERO,
“Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions?”
Mike McSweetarts | Darlington High School, Class of 1995
DEAR MIKE,
Nero does not make New Year’s Resolutions. Nor does he set goals for Flag Day, aspirations on the Fourth of July, or make personal pledges on All Hallows Eve. The sublime Emperor, Ruler of the Enchanted Lands, is already a superior specimen of mind, body, and dental health.
Would you draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa? Put gasoline in a Cyber Truck? Cover the scent of Coco Chanel with Axe Body Spray? I think not.
Instead, Nero will kick off 2025 like every year before it—sharpening iron chisels on his washboard abs.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR UNHELPFUL BUFFOON,
“I have nothing important to say other than informing new readers you have a nemesis.”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR DR. PLOTDEVICE,
Ha! The joke is on you, professor. Readers eagerly skip past my nonsense to get to the rest of the magazine.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
EMPEROR NERO
“Is there a secret to keeping New Year’s Resolutions? I want to eat less processed foods and run 6-7 times a week, but I don’t feel confident about my chances of success. Are my goals supposed to be SMART or something?
—Yasmine Yodars | Rome High School, Class of 2012
DEAR YASMINE,
SMART goals are DUMB. DUMB, of course, is an acronym for “Don’t Underestimate Medieval Baristas.” Which has nothing to do with goal setting, so you will likely quit the health kick the first time you jog downtown, and Doug’s Deli has a new sugar cookie.
Consider this inspirational and easy-to-remember goal-setting formula instead:
Yasmine,
Outside
Ultimatums
Accost
Realistic
Expectations.
Direct
Outward
Opportunities, and
Methodically
Endure.
Deliver
The
Only
Future
Acceptance
In
Life
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *Sometimes, I hide an extra joke here like an Easter egg. This month, I did not.