Letter to the Emperor

Friends, Romans, Floyd County-Persons, lend me your ears, again. Harken to another year of my royal gibberish and jabberwocky. Against the better judgment of V3 magazine,  Emperor Nero has returned to author regal word babies!  The emperor, who often speaks in the third person, will answer your questions and conundrums.*  

Need my divine assistance? Don’t leave an itchy pebble in your shoe. Send your questions to EmperorNeroRomanskyKnowsAll@gmail.com. 

First Question. 

DEAR NERO, 

“I saw snow! We built a snowman and then went sledding and everything. I’m so happy!” 

LaRita Secundo | 4rd Grader at Pepperill Elementary School,  

DEAR LARITA, 

The emperor is delighted a ¼ inch of freezing rain brought you such joy. A lesser man would say, “I hope you made some core memories, LaRita. It won’t snow again until 2036.”  Lucky for you, Nero is not that man. 

Me Vexat Pede, 

— Nero 

 

DEAR NERO, 

“Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions?” 

Mike McSweetarts | Darlington High School, Class of 1995 

DEAR MIKE, 

Nero does not make New Year’s Resolutions. Nor does he set goals for Flag Day, aspirations on the Fourth of July, or make personal pledges on All Hallows Eve. The sublime Emperor, Ruler of the Enchanted Lands, is already a superior specimen of mind, body, and dental health. 

Would you draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa? Put gasoline in a Cyber Truck? Cover the scent of Coco Chanel with Axe Body Spray? I think not. 

Instead, Nero will kick off 2025 like every year before it—sharpening iron chisels on his washboard abs. 

Me Vexat Pede, 

— Nero 

La Scala ad

DEAR UNHELPFUL BUFFOON, 

“I have nothing important to say other than informing new readers you have a nemesis.”  

 — Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College 

DEAR DR. PLOTDEVICE, 

Ha! The joke is on you, professor. Readers eagerly skip past my nonsense to get to the rest of the magazine. 

Me Vexat Pede, 

— Nero 

Herb shop ad

EMPEROR NERO 

“Is there a secret to keeping New Year’s Resolutions? I want to eat less processed foods and run 6-7 times a week, but I don’t feel confident about my chances of success. Are my goals supposed to be SMART or something?  

—Yasmine Yodars | Rome High School, Class of 2012 

 

DEAR YASMINE, 

SMART goals are DUMB.  DUMB, of course, is an acronym for “Don’t Underestimate Medieval Baristas.” Which has nothing to do with goal setting, so you will likely quit the health kick the first time you jog downtown, and Doug’s Deli has a new sugar cookie.  

Consider this inspirational and easy-to-remember goal-setting formula instead: 

Yasmine, 

Outside 

Ultimatums 

Accost 

Realistic 

Expectations. 

Direct 

Outward 

Opportunities, and 

Methodically 

Endure. 

Deliver 

The 

Only 

Future 

Acceptance 

In 

Life 

Me Vexat Pede, 

— Nero 

 

Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *Sometimes, I hide an extra joke here like an Easter egg. This month, I did not. 

gntc ga college

Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., is the Chief Ambassador of Fun at WorkPlay Solutions, the author of Forever Sisters, and the Vice President of the Children’s Museum of Rome. He hopes you pity laugh at his humor and satire stories, especially the ones that aren’t funny.