Letters to the Emperor
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like texting the love of your life, but your phone only has 💩 emojis.
Love. Is there any four-letter word that is so meaningful to the mind and malodorous to the mandibles? Whatever your persuasion or situation, Nero has answers for you. Let us begin and swipe right on romance.
First Question.
EMPEROR NERO,
“I’ve struck out trying to meet people the old-fashioned way. What are the best dating apps? Have you used any yourself?”
—Chelsea Shalopski | Model High School, Class of 2015
DEAR CHELSEA,
Nero’s favorite dating apps are Uber and Lyft because they bring potential romantic partners directly to my location—all at the push of a button. Add wine, cheese, and flowers to your Instacart order if you want the ride-share date to ooze oodles and noodles of romance.
Choices abound, but Tinder, Hinge, Eharmony, and Match.com are the most popular dating apps. Do you have a specific type of partner that makes your heart flutter? Consult this quick guide on affinity-based dating applications. If you are into:
• Celebrities – Raya
• The elderly – Ourtime
• LGBT – Grindr
• The Bible – Christian Mingle
• Agriculture and overalls – Farmers Only
• Fried catfish – Plenty of Fish
• People who mumble but appreciate a good rhyme – Bumble
• Chubby half-naked archery enthusiasts who can fly – OkCupid
• Breakfast items you would find on a New York streetcorner – Coffee Meets Bagel
• Caged animals participating in the Winter Olympics – Zoosk
• Sexy Accountants – QuickBooks
• Sexy Roman Emperors – V3 Magazine*
DEAR EMPEROR,
“How do I trick a woman into falling in love with me?”
Douglas DeBaguette | Unemployed, but won $20 on a scratch-off lottery ticket
DEAR DOUG,
If this article were written by anyone other than the divine ruler of the Enchanted Lands, we would stop to consider the ethics of your request. But since Emperor Nero has the mandate of heaven, let’s plow onward with your query, easy peasy.
Step 1: Discover why you are single and address the concern.
If the ladies call you a “boresome peasant,” then gain a regal new title like “The Grand Viceroy of Oostanaula River Valley.” If she says you “have a face for podcasting,” buy a brown paper bag and wear it over your head like a disgruntled Falcons fan.
Step 2: Lie
If eleven hundred romantic comedies have taught me anything, the more elaborate the lie, the more likely the woman will fall in love with you by the end of the story. Hallmark wouldn’t churn out these absurd films like antacid candy hearts if the principle were not sound.
For example, tell your lady friend, “I played violin in the remake of Gladiator, but live in Armurchee to hide from fans,” or “I invented the quadruple IPA,” or “I’m a hairy tarantula in the bedroom.”
Step 3: When your lie doesn’t work, become rich.
Then, she’ll convince herself you are attractive, interesting, and a skilled lover — for as long as the money lasts.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NERO,
“I know I’m supposed to ask you a dating question, but I can’t help myself. Kendrick Lamar’s Superbowl concert was FIRE! Like a million aura points. My stepfather thinks it was the worst show ever. Who is right?”
Destiny Green | Rome High School, Class of 202
DEAR DESTINY,
The emperor is indifferent to the so-called “Super” Bowl. If no one is mauled by lions, Nero loses his attention quicker than you can quote the tagline in a Budweiser commercial.
Superbowl performances, like varieties of cheese, are all about preconceived expectations. Nero knows you pondered the political symbolism of the Squid Game costumes and choreography and relished Serena Williams’s surprise appearance. Kendrick delivered the lyrical charcuterie board of gouda and brie you hoped for.
Your stepfather had no such expectation. He ordered a cheese pizza for the halftime show and found his familiar mozzarella replaced by hip-hop cottage cheese. Please don’t blame him for finding the weird blend of chunky and creamy inedible. Anyone who watches Matlock and CSI-Grand Rapids, MI, with the subtitles on will never appreciate the subtle details of a rap feud with Drake.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR MORE INSIGHTFUL THAN USUAL,
“I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised by your answer regarding the halftime show. I did not expect a man of your abysmal intelligence to unpack the metaphor of age-based tribalism recusant of the societal polarity …[remainder of the email deleted out of boredom]
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR DR. SNOOZEFEST,
Even when you compliment me, it’s still annoying. Remind me to bury you in a cave—or drown you in a spring.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“Will U B my Valentine 🥰💖😘?”
Anonymous | XoXoXo
DEAR ANONYMOUS
Sure thing, sweetheart. Give Nero a few minutes to order the Uber.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *Alice, you are my Valentine.💖
