Letters To The Emperor
Top o’ the mornin’ to ya Roman’s. Tis the season of St. Paddy’s Day.
Nero remembers back in 2017, capturing my first Leprechaun. The magical creature was with hundreds of his kind, clad in green sporting attire from head to toe. When he saw me, he ran like a pistol down Broad St. for about 3.1 miles. When I finally caught him, I shouted, “Leprechaun, where’s your pot of gold?” Instead of answering, he rushed into a mob of sweat and bubbles outside the Forum. Nero never saw him again, but stayed for the after-party.
First Question.
DEAR EMPEROR,
“I loved your story about the Leprechaun-a-thon. What would you buy if you found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?”
Izzie Klondalt | Executive Chef at the [redacted]
DEAR Izzie,
You cannot tempt a being such as I with the prospects of easily gained material wealth. Emperor Nero does not need an instant boost to his lavish income. Every river, hill, street, building, and property in the Enchanted Lands of Rome and Floyd County is mine.
But if ole’ Nero wanted a true magical pot of gold, he would double the number of tickets from RedSpeed School Zone Cameras.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
EMPEROR NERO,
“How did the ancient Romans celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?”
—Ezekiel Maccabees | Unity Christian School, Class of 2027
DEAR EZEKIEL
Here’s what they didn’t tell you in history class. Roman culture inspired most of the St. Patty’s Day traditions. Senator Brutus, always fun with the ladies, wore the first emerald green “Da Mihi, Ego Sum Romanus” tunic to celebrate the holiday.*
Remember when Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland with a long stick? Half a century before, our trusty legionnaires ran off millions of poor peasant farmers at spearpoint.
Do you know how some communities, like Savannah, dye fountains and rivers green? Ancient Rome started that tradition, too. But our rivers were mostly red because of those same farmers and spearpoints.
And remember how St. Patrick hid colorful eggs and chocolate in baskets for children after Jesus was born? Or how he stayed awake all night in a pumpkin patch with Charlie Brown? I could go on and on, but divine Emperors don’t owe you an explanation.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NONE OF THAT IS TRUE,
“Your tutors have not read you How the Irish Saved Civilization. Thomas Cahill argues that following the collapse of the Roman Empire, the tradition of scripture preservation by Irish Monks prevented the Germanic hordes from …[seven more pages highbrow academic jargon].”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR HUMBY DUMPTY,
You tired old fool. Ancient Rome may have collapsed before St. Patrick lived, but the city of Rome, GA, has everything we need. It’s at the height of prosperity— probably because of the traffic cameras.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“What is the secret recipe for a McDonald’s Shamrock Shake? Asking for a friend.”
Dave Thomas | Not, not the founder of Wendy’s
DEAR DAVE,
Place the following ingredients in a mixing bowl at 417 degrees Kelvin.
2 lbs of ice
A quart of heavy cream
14 gallons of emerald green food dye #92
½ cup of the hairy part of a tennis ball
12 fluid ounces of genuine Rome, GA, bee pollen—scrapped off the windshield of a 1992 Ford F150 pickup
45 milligrams of depleted Uranium 278
The gooey part inside of a glowstick
¼ pint of “Leprechaun Spice”
Stir heartily for two minutes, then the contents of the bowl into the Shake-o-Matic 5000.
Then go home because the McDonald’s ice cream machine has been broken since 1962.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
