Letters to the Emperor
CONTENT WARNING: The following questions and correspondence discuss the mature topics of local and global politics, and Nero is anything but mature. Reading this column may bend your insides worse than the insane s-curve at the bottom of Mt Alto Rd.
Be assured that Nero does not side with Conservative Republicans or Progressive Democrats. Nor is he a Libertarian, Green Party, Federalist, Whig, Bull Moose, or Planet Fitness member. Like the Caesars before him, he rules Rome and Floyd County by the divine right of kings.*
First Question.
EMPEROR NERO,
“What is a tariff? And why is everyone in the world panicking right now?”
—Joshua Candlebroom | Main Elementary, Class of 2032
DEAR JOSHUA
Let the emperor give you a simple lesson in economics and animal husbandry. A tariff is a designer breed of canine that crosses a Mastiff Bulldog and a Pterodactyl. However, with the rising impact of shrinkflation, buying products like specialized tariff chow becomes steadily more expensive. Then Polk, Cobb, and Gordon counties increase the price of their exports to Floyd by 500 percent or more.
Now, as a pet owner, you have a terrible choice. Do you spend exorbitant cash on your beloved puppy or, for the sake of your family budget, release Mr. Buttons into the forest wilderness of Berry College?
As a helpful pet care reminder, the West Rome Animal Clinic reminds you to always have your tariffs spayed or neutered.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR EMPEROR,
“I’m surprised you haven’t issued formal decrees or made any new laws since you became emperor. What gives? And what proclamations do you plan to make?”
Geofferson McEshleberger | Political Science Major, Shorter University Class of 2026
DEAR JEFF,
Ahhh, yes. Emperor Nero has been too long distracted by gladiatorial bouts and lavish parties to be fully engaged in matters of statecraft. Here are a few he’s considering for local pronouncements.
The Anti-Pork Fat Sludge Referendum
Mayonnaise shall be permanently banned in Rome and all its territories because it’s gross . Ranch dressing is excluded. This bill currently has the support of two-thirds of the state legislature and the lobbyist group P.U.T.R.I.D (People against the Unethical Treatment of Ranch and Italian Dressing).
The Two For One Discount Statute
The commissions for both Rome City and Floyd County shall hereby meet in the same room, at the same time, using the same chairs. Should the chamber run out of chairs, commissioners may be stacked up to three people high. This statute will be in effect until someone can explain to ole’ Nero why we have two sets of local governments for the same geographic territory. Nero is not a licensed mapologist, but he is pretty sure the City of Rome exists inside the fabled hills of Floyd County.
The Keep Snowdays Sacred Constitutional Amendment
The state constitution of Georgia shall be amended to the following:
All public, private, and Montessori schools in Georgia may not cancel for “extreme winter weather” when it is 45 degrees outside. If a school elects to have a snow day, school administrators must build a snowman at least five feet tall as proof of winter conditions. If they cannot, the missed day will be rescheduled during spring break.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DIVINE EMPEROR,
“What about decrees for the United States and the rest of the world?”
— Jennica Horticulture | President of the Young Civil Service Club at Darlington School, Class of 2025
Jennica,
As a Roman emperor, Nero sometimes felt like he had the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. However, that weight was lifted for a blessed ten minutes while pop star Katy Perry was in space.
The Great Influencer Space Race
Emperor Nero decrees that before 2030, NASA, Space X, and Jeff Bezos’s phallic-shaped rocket company will combine forces to send 10,000 additional pop stars and TikTok influencers on a historic space mission—to the surface of the sun.
Space Force Federal Expansion
Nero discovered a major enforcement oversight when the United States Space Force was added to our armed services. The Space Force only polices outer space and, therefore, has no jurisdiction over the surface of other planets.
Mercury Force, Venus Force, Earth Force, Mars Force, Jupiter Force, Saturn Force, Uranus Force, and Neptune Force are officially commissioned. As a bonus, we will have a Pluto Force made up exclusively of people born after 2006.
The Whoops Doctrine
If the Emperor accidentally deports a Roman citizen to El Salvador, he has to get them back the next day — two days if the Whoops occurs on the weekend. Failure to comply will restrict all the emperor’s social media accounts until the unfortunate citizen is back on Roman soil.
That’s all the advice the emperor has this month. You can figure out everything else on your own.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
