Letters to the Emperor
When you finally get over your irrational fear of modern medical treatment enough to schedule an appointment, you learned your dentist has retired and his grandchild now runs the practice. Then, after a marathon session of X-rays, teeth cleaning, and bloody gums, you learn you need fillings. Your Gen-Z dentist tells you with a straight face, “Ok, Boomer, you need caps. No cap.” It’s July, which means three of Nero’s favorite things. Beers, Bratwurst, and Blasting Off Fingers With Illegal Fireworks. It also means that Nero Ninefingers took a month off because of the V3 Magazine’s Big Beautiful Bridal Issue. Some editors believe that a divine ruler with eleven wives and thirty-six consorts should not be relied upon for wedding planning.
First Question.
EMPEROR NERO,
“How would soldiers who fought in WWII respond to people in 2025 cooking Bratwurst, a very German sausage, on the grill to celebrate America’s Birthday?”
— Sampson Oleandre | Darlington School, Class of 2015
DEAR SAMPSON,
If you magically transported 19-year-old soldiers from 1945 to now, I doubt the ethnicity of sausage links would be the biggest culture shock. Likely, their chief concern would be the pseudo-margarine product, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” If something as innocent as butter lies to us, is there any truth left in the world?
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
O GREAT NERO,
“I’m not originally from Rome. Can you explain the local obsession with Best of Rome? I keep seeing ads and Facebook posts encouraging me to vote every day. Is it like the Golden Globes for business or something? Any advice on who to vote for?”
— Tonya Mendoza | My high school is irrelevant to Romans because I grew up in Wilmington, Delaware, Class of 1995
DEAR TONYA,
As the Emperor of Rome, questions from all my citizens matter, even ones from delightfully uniformed Carpetbaggers. The Best of Rome competition is a metaphorical beauty pageant hosted by the Rome News-Tribune. It celebrates the exceptional people, businesses, and organizations in our community that deserve to be celebrated. Like modern presidential elections, you are permitted to vote once a day between June 21st and July 18th.
Vote Early, Vote Often.
Who should you vote for? In some categories, it’s obvious, but in others, it’s a deeply personal matter. It would be unprofessional of the Emperor to use his position of influence to encourage you to vote for any specific person or category. For example, to cast 28 votes for Mark Suroviec as Best Local Author. Almost as unethical as using Google Workspace to create FIFTY different email aliases, should you feel compelled to vote 1400 times for WorkPlay Solutions as the Best Event Planning Service.*
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NEMESIS
“I’m surprised, after all your shameless Best of Rome promotion earlier, you didn’t mention the release of your next book, too.”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DR TUFFLESON,
Thanks for the reminder. Fun Lies (Again): The Ambassador’s Unauthorized Sequel That No One Asked For by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., comes out Fall 2025.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR EMPEROR,
“You said there were overrepresented and underrepresented categories in Best of Rome? Can you give some examples?
— Sarah Darah | Rome High School, Class of 2022
DEAR SARAH,
You are correct, Sarah. Some voting categories are completely oversaturated, like that lying tub of margarine. For example, the Law industry has eleven different categories for lawyers and law firms. Do we really need to vote for all of the following in Best of Rome?
- Best Lawyer
- Best Law Firm
- Best Tax Attorney
- Best Divorce Attorney
- Best Lawyer Who Didn’t Graduate From Law School In the United States
- Best Lawyer Who Didn’t Graduate From Law School At All
- Best Lawyer Joke
- Best Law Themed Billboard
- Worst Lawyer
- Second Worst Lawyer, In Case the Worst Lawyer Is On Vacation
- Person Who Watched the Most Episodes of Law and Order: SVU
Or consider the following categories not available in Best of Rome, despite numerous practitioners in Northwest Georgia.
- Best Travel Agent
- Best Business Coach
- Best Chainsaw Artist
- Best Fishing Guide
- Best Animal Husbandry Specialist
- Best Restaurant to Get Hepatitis From Using Their Restroom
- Best Crystal Meth Dispensary
- Best Street to Drop a Taco on, and Still Eat It, According to the Five Second Rule
- Best Long-Lost Descendant of Julius Caesar Who Crowns Himself as the Emperor of Rome, GA, As a Humoristic Plot Device To Avoid Accountability From People Angry With His Irreverent Monthly Satire Column
- Best Local Magazine, Including the Letters “V” and “3”
Nero could think of hundreds more not fit to print in this magazine. Are you not entertained?
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
