Nero Predicts
EMPEROR NERO,
“Instead of your usual column of faulty advice, would you share your predictions for SEC football this year?”
— Bubba McIntosh | University of Missouri, Class of 1994
BUBBA,
Ole Nero is all in on pigskin pontification. Let the SEC roast begin.
— Nero
ALABAMA
Prepare yourself for a disappointing season for Bama football. Due to budget cutbacks at FEMA, the Crimson Disaster Liquids slowly seep through a crack in the SEC basement instead of rolling.
Alabama’s starting running back inks a 6 million NIL deal with Tide detergent. But the levies burst against Vandy as the entire offensive line leaves the game early with food poisoning after mistaking the Tide Pods as a pregame snack.
Final Standings: 6 – 6
ARKANSAS
After several years of failing to keep up with their SEC rivals in recruiting efforts, the University of NotKansas sold the team’s naming rights to a personal grooming company in Massachusetts. Watch the renovated squad take the field as the Gillette Fusion5 Razor Blades — Sold Separately — Cleanly Shaven HogBeasts end the season as bottom feeders of the western division.
Final Standings: 3 – 9
AUBURN
2025 is a challenging year for Auburn. The NCAA threatens the University with devastating sanctions for “having two mascots, which everyone who didn’t go to Auburn thinks is stupid.” The fans in Toomer’s Right Angle are unable to comply with the NCAA ultimatum to choose between Pooh’s friend Tigger and the Department of Defense Eagle.
The ghost of Cam Newton breaks the deadlock with a brilliant, but unconventional decision. Auburn’s new mascot will be the Attack Submarines — specifically the U.S.S. Crimson Tide —as featured in the 1995 action movie directed by Tony Scott. The Auburn Subs take their new thematic character way too seriously — surprise — and flood Jordan-Rabbit Stadium with 20 million gallons of water. Auburn loses all twelve games by forfeit.
FLORIDA
The Florida “Hey, Remember Tim Tebow?” Football Squadron issues a public apology to fans after biology professor, Dr. Daniel Wuerffel, discovers the Gator Chomp celebration more closely resembles a crocodile.
Final Standings: 5 – 7
GEORGIA
The University of Georgia Boston Terrier Puppies set a new NCAA record for traffic violations. Coach Kirby, “the Best Character in Super Smash Brothers Video Game,” Smart replaces Vin Diesel in Fast and Furious 25: Athens Drift.
Georgia finishes 9 – 3 and loses the SEC championship game.
KENTUCKY
The Kentucky Animal Rescue Shelters choose to play all football games indoors, five on five, on a hardwood floor. With an oddly spherical pigskin. The Wildcats “football” team finishes an impressive run with 26 wins and eight losses, losing the March Madness tournament to Gonzaga.
LSU
The Leauxsiana State Cajun French persons have another winning season, relying on two Heisman candidate wide receivers — who are definitely not clones of Ja’Maar Chase and Justin Jefferson. And those clones are definitely not manufactured in a secret laboratory in the bayou, run by scientists from Vanderbilt.
Final Standings: 10 – 2, also losing the SEC championship game.
MISSISSIPPI STATE
Emperor Nero forgot there are two Mississippis, but so did the rest of the SEC. Young Miss wins a few beauty pageants before finishing the season 4 – 8.
OLE MISS
After a successful 2024 campaign with Jaxxxon Dart at QB, Elderly Mississippi University heavily recruits dozens of players named after sharp pointy objects. Several of the prized recruits fail to show up to campus after a Google Maps update requires Mississippi to be spelled correctly before sharing driving directions.
Lane “No one wearing a visor has whined this much since Steve Spurrier,” Kiffin shows remarkable restraint, instructing players to only fake injuries on first, second, and third down of every possession.
Final Standings: 7 – 5
OKLAHOMA
An administrative mishap causes enrollment issues, and the 2025 Oklahoma Okies are anything but OK. Failing to catch the error in time, the Boomers are forced to field a team made up of Broadway cast members from the award-winning musical. Oklahoma loses every game, except against Vanderbilt.
Final Standings: 1 – 11
SOUTH CAROLINA
The South Carolina Underground Poultry Fighters hires NFL legend and PETA activist Michael Vick as their new head coach. The former Falcon QB becomes the latest Deion Sanders, and the college football world rejoices. Coach Vick secures a lucrative NIL deal for free VapoRub cream. South Carolina finishes 8 – 4.
TENNESSEE
In the preseason, the marketing intern blurred out images of quarterbacks who threw interceptions on their Instagram page. Continuing the practice of blurring out mistakes, the team’s final media guide looks like 85 grainy photos of Bigfoot.
On a positive note, the updated lyrics to their iconic song, “One there was some crystal meth on Rocky Top,” rapidly gain popularity as fans seek a chemical escape from weekly blowouts.
The Tennessee Unphotogenic Sasquatches finish the season with two wins and ten losses.
TEXAS
Texas starts as the preseason AP number one, but immediately loses to the Ohio State Poisonous Nuts. The athletic director is fired and replaced by celebrity chef Buddy, “the Cake Boss” Valastro, ensuring the Longhorns never face a ranked non-conference opponent again.
Star quarterback Arch Manning is revealed to be his own grandfather, after Archie bought a customized Delorean in 1988.
TEXAS A&M
The emperor thinks this college must be a typo because no university worth attending would name itself after old-timey root beer.
VANDERBILT
Another year, another season of Vanderpump football players distracted by academics, time machines, and secret cloning labs.
The Could Have Been Admirals, But Instead Chose an Obscure Naval Rank Not Used Since the War of 1812, manage to pull off dramatic upsets over Alabama and Georgia because that will always be funny.
Final Standings: 2 – 10
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF
No SEC team makes it into the top 12 spots in an embarrassing year for the Southeastern Conference. In the championship game, Penn State topples Notre Dame to win its eighth national championship.*
If Nero belittled your alma mater this month, please send all hate mail to—it looks like we reached our word count.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
