Lettors To The Emperor
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the perspective of the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified, long-lost descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like the moment where you discover you can carve a jack-o-lantern in less than 90 seconds with a reciprocating saw, if you don’t care about cleaning pumpkin sludge out of the motor of your power tools.
MR. NERO SUR,
“What r u dresin up 4 halowen? This year I Rumi from kpop demon huntrz. R u gonan be Rumi 2?”
— Brandi Beautfort, Jr. | 2nd grader, Johnson Elementary School
DEAR BRANDI,
A pop princess with a magical sword is a solid choice, but ole’ Nero doesn’t want to show off his 14-pack midriff to overworked moms handing out candy. What should the divine and sovereign ruler of Rome and Floyd County dress as for Halloween? He’s already immortal, omnipotent, blessed by the arrow of Apollo, and eats at The Shrimp Boat for free. Is there a costume that carries the gravitas and magnanimatude of my awesomeness? Yes.
This year, Nero will be the Cave Spring Bacon Festival for Halloween.
DEAR EMPEROR NERO,
“I am a mother of four, and Halloween is our favorite holiday. Unfortunately, we want to be festive, but times are tough
financially, and we have a limited budget. Can you suggest some
inexpensive decorations and costume ideas?”
— Lucia Torres | Chattooga High School, Class of 2002
DEAR LUCIA,
You don’t need to waste your gold and silver at Spirit Halloween or Ollie’s Bargain Outlet. Here are some homespun alternative costume ideas:
Dump a bucket of water on your son’s head. And poof! He’s Aquaman. After an hour of trick-or-treating, he’s next year’s costume. Aquaman, But With Hypothermia.
Does your daughter want to be Katniss Everdeen, but you don’t have the bow and arrows? Remember the scene in the third Hunger Games movie where she was captured and President Snow confiscated her weapons? “I’m Katniss, one hour and seventeen minutes into Mockingjay.” This costume idea also works with the first Thor movie, when he becomes mortal, and loses his hammer.
Need a skeleton for the front porch? Don’t pay a radius and a femur for store-bought skeletons that pollute the Coosa River with microplastics. Instead, grab a flashlight and shovel and head to Myrtle Hill for organic, locally sourced skeletons free of charge!
With a bit of creativity and criminal trespassing, the sky is the limit on low-cost costume ideas.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
EMPEROR ZERO,
“Here’s a softball toss of a political question you are sure to get wrong:
The Federal Government shut down on October 1st after the spending bill failed to get the necessary votes. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson blames the Democrats. But the Republicans control the Congress and the Executive Branch. Who then is really to blame for the shutdown?”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR PROFESSOR HUFFLEPUFF,
Aren’t you a professor of ancient history? Shouldn’t your “gotcha” political question be something more like “Did ancient Aztec priests violate the legal principle of habeas corpus when they made human sacrifices to the sun god?”
No matter.
Based on what Nero saw on social media this month, your government riddle has an obvious solution. There is only one modern tyrant who made grandiose claims that 2025 would be big, bold, and beautiful. A man who once filled his people with hope, only to fall featherless from the sky like a reverse phoenix dying in the ashes of mismanagement and personal incompetence.
Who is truly responsible for the shutdown of the United States government? You guessed it—it’s James Franklin, former head coach of Penn State football.*
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“Why do you write Me Vexat Pede as your salutation after every answer? What does it mean?”
— Allegria Mae Jontomplocyz | Unity Christian School, Class of 2027
DEAR ALLEGRIA MAE,
To quote the Emperor’s fourth-favorite cartoon bear, “Oh, bother.” Explaining jokes is as annoying as an irritating pebble in my shoe.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
