Lettors To The Emperor
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the perspective of the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified, long-lost descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like setting a new world record for pogo-stick jumping distance and not being Time magazine’s Person of the Year.*
Sleigh bells ring, Ring a ding ding.
Nero, can you sing? Somethin’ missin’.
It’s a beautiful sight, snowless Broad Street at night.
Walkin’ in a southern Winterland.
First Question.
- NERO,
“I wuz realy realy guud this year. Is dere realy a Santa Claus?”
— Ezrabella Maciel | Kindergarten, Anna K. Davie Elementary
DEAR Ezrabella,
Yes, Ezrabella, there is a Santa Claus. But his real name is Jim, and he moved from the North Pole to the interior of Cave Spring Cave to hide from Russian satellites. You were a good little girl this year. Santa will give you anything your heart desires for Christmas, as long as your Christmas wish is a gallon of crystal-clear spring water. BYOJ.**
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“Can you help me with my holiday shopping list? I never know what to buy for all my relatives, and my husband doesn’t start thinking about presents until 10:55 pm on Christmas Eve.”
— Mirquelidith NcMatilta | Santa’s Favorite 1997, 2014, 2023
DEAR MIRQUELIDITH,
Without knowing the age, gender, and interests of your family, it’s challenging for even the Divine Ruler of the Enchanted Lands to give personalized recommendations. Never fear, Santa’s least favorite elf knows the one universal gift that is perfect for infants to the elderly and athletes to the sedentary. It is the prime existential request of all human beings, and 43% of dolphins, on earth.
What is the mysterious holy grail of holiday gift-giving? Emperor Nero Romansky, Second of His Name, wholeheartedly recommends FUN Lies Again: The Ambassador’s Unauthorized Sequel That Nobody Asked For, by Mark Suroviec. M.Ed.
Buy at least fifty books per relative to be safe.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“Over the Twelve Days of Christmas, the amorous main character of the song received 364 total gifts, with an average gifting velocity of 30.33 presents per day. Have you considered the square footage required to accommodate hundreds of guests and unexpected livestock? Was bird feed included in bulk in the deliveries? Did the dancers and pipers receive a per diem to offset travel and meal expenses? Unless the lords-a-leaping were all licensed falconers, imagine the exorbitant cost of avian specialists to care for doves, swans, and geese. I could go on and on…[letter continues for six pages with an attached spreadsheet and Profit and Loss statement]
— Dr. Percival Q. Euclid, Ph.D. | Tenured Professor of Analytical Business Maths at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR DOCTOR TRIANGLE,
No, Nero has not considered the economic impact of a temporary poultry farm and spontaneous agricultural entertainment venue. In truth, Nero does not spend much of the holiday season thinking in general.
Was all your superfluous data a convoluted request for the Emperor to modernize the aforementioned Christmas carol with a local Roman flourish? Your supplication is granted. Skipping ahead to the final verse:
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my loyal Romans send to thee
- Twelve percent inflation,
- Eleven Georgia football players shoplifting,
- Ten Hot Shots kiddos a-tumbling,
- Nine commissioners debating,
- Eight unregistered ding-ding machines dinging.
- Seven hills a-hilling,
- Six – o – Eight Events eventing,
- FIVE WASHED CARS (at Big Dan’s),
- Four parking spots downtown,
- Three Rivers Church,
- Two hunting gloves,
- And a Mega Beverage warehouse, where Fazoli’s used to be.
Merry Christmas.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *Duncan Murray, 7.15 meters. ** Bring your own jug.
