Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA.
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like watching everything going on in the world and clinging to the belief that we are still the good guys*
Friends, Romans, Floyd County-Persons lend me your eyeballs, for the Divine Ruler of the Enchanted Lands, Second of His Name, Emperor Nero has decrees and stuff.
Or he would if this were a normal month. But it’s not. Does anything happening in the country feel normal right now? Normal may only be a setting on the washing machine, but something is terribly, terribly wrong.
Nero stares at his monitor, watching the cursor blink in accusatory silence. He watches the news and feels heartburn and heartbreak at the horrors of it all. What seemed so stable then is now falling like a house of cards, sitting on the back of a raging bull, in a giant blender in the center of the sun. And someone peed in the blender when we weren’t looking. He wants to imagine, to laugh, to pretend everything is ok, but not even Gallows’ humor feels fit to write.
He wants to pretend everything is ok and say pithy things like, “Now that Margerie Taylor Green is retired from Congress, who is responsible for the maintenance of the United States arsenal of Jewish Space Lasers?” But he can’t. And he won’t.
Because Emperor Nero doesn’t feel very funny right now.
Many could argue that the Letters to the Emperor column was NEVER funny, but that’s like arguing over the taste of boiled peanuts. Unnecessary.
The character Nero Romansky was born of the idea, “Wouldn’t it be playful if a distant relative of Julius Ceaser, earnestly believes he was the emperor of Rome, GA instead of Rome, Italy?”
He could bumble around with comically bad advice, react to local situations and the news with a hyperbolic level of absurdity. He could ignore the rule of law and brandish his authoritarian tendencies with comments so outlandish that everyone would know it was an act and just for fun.
And for the last two years, Nero delighted in tales of nonsense and tomfoolery, weaving the humorous and unexpected. What else would you expect from the Runner-up to the Best Local Author in Rome?
However, in 2026, playing a bit part as a character who believes in his divine right to rule, with no checks and balances on his authority, feels far too similar to what keeps far too many of us awake at night.
Nero sees the country at a tipping point, when animosity toward our neighbor is at its highest since the Civil War. He’s disgusted by the tragic killing and vilification of Charlie Kirk. He’s disgusted by the unnecessary killing of an unarmed mother in Minnesota named Renée Nicole Good. Both people were human beings created in the image of God and deserve better than they received in death, and after.
We watch clips of their deaths on repeat, with confirmation bias reigning supreme. We make an irrevocable commitment to the narratives before the facts are in. Even the NFL, in its glorious violence of tackle football, refuses to replay graphic injuries on live TV. But we troll Facebook and Instagram, hungry for another shot, another angle, another glimpse of the death of our heroes that will finally convince the naïve simpletons on the other side. Our way is right, true, and just!
What led to this mess? Where did it all go wrong? Whatever happened to “I respectfully disagree, but I still love you, and we can be friends.”? Have we learned nothing from history?
We lie without embarrassment and follow leaders with a Ph.D. in Gaslighting. Enough is enough!
Nero is ready to vomit out his soul on the prevailing cloud of injustice, hate, lies, violence, and destruction. The joke tank is dry, and Nero is boycotting his own column while insanity prevails.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“So, to be clear, no answering letters or jokes for January? Will you be back next month? Is this the end?”
— Madeup Namerson | Local School, Graduation Year
DEAR MADEUP,
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *We aren’t.
