Letters to the Emperor
For as long as I can remember, April 1st is my favorite day of the year. Though it’s not as holy as Christmas, sugary as Halloween, or as swashbucklingly delightful as International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept 19), it holds a special place in my heart — right next to the talking parrot and eye-patch.
“You couldn’t fool your mom on the foolingest day of the year, even if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
— Homer Simpson
It’s the Super Bowl of practical jokes and shenanigans. The creme of the creme of tomfoolery. It’s the one day of the year when people thank you for lying to them.
But many of you have never danced with Loki on a midsummer night’s dream, or focus too much on the practicality of practical jokes.
Never fear, humorless soul, the Ambassador of Fun, whose books on pranks and lies have sold a combined 154.2 billion copies, will help you with the Do’s and Do Nots of April McFoolery. And you get to read this expert advice while it’s still March!
The Roman Guide to April Fools’
DO NOT post a grainy image of a fetal ultrasound on Facebook with the text, “Guess who’s expecting???” This gag seems harmless until you realize there are millions of couples struggling with infertility who won’t appreciate the joke , because Millennials only use Instagram.
DO remember that night you and your friend Nicholas drank so much tequila that you woke up the next day half-drowned in the Town Green Fountain, dressed like Temu leprechauns. Send the fake ultrasound picture to Nick with the one-word text, “Yours?” Works even better if both of you are male.
DO NOT hide bubble wrap under the welcome mat of local restaurants like La Scala or Schroder’s New Deli and wait for people to leap in surprise from the unexpected crackle of invisible firecrackers. The cost of living is way too high for customers who may inadvertently drop their takeout orders and waste food.
DO the hidden bubble wrap prank in a more appropriate location, with less potential for negative consequences. For example, spread out Project Hidden Bubble Thunder on the Life Flight helicopter pad at Atrium Health Floyd. If I know anything about life-saving emergency medicine, there is always time for giggles.
DO NOT make an unbelievable social media post like, “Jeff Bezos of Amazon.com appeared last night on Broad Street wearing a yellow string bikini, personally tattooing QR codes on the foreheads of delivery drivers against their will.”
DO make the April Fool’s post more believable at first glance. “Jeff Bezos of Amazon.com had his personal assistant appear last night on Broad Street wearing a polo shirt and khakis, tattooing QR codes on the foreheads of delivery drivers against their will.”
DO NOT make April Fools’ Jokes about the war in Iran. These are in bad taste, insulting to veterans, and confusing to the elderly.
DO subtly update the location tag of your spring break picture album to the Straight of Hormuz and see if anyone notices. If you are a manager or business owner, DO NOT pretend to fire your employees on April 1st. While it may seem funny to you, the action causes long-term disintegration of trust and psychological safety in the workplace.
Instead, DO fire at least one employee for real. Maybe the guy who called in sick after sleeping in a fountain. Bonus points if it’s a family business and you give your sibling the axe.
DO NOT spray an aerosol air freshener directly into a fire alarm until it goes off — again.*
DO make an expensive, non-refundable purchase on the company credit card, like the deed to the Roman Holiday or three-fifths of the Claremont House. Accounts Payable are ALWAYS up for a hilarious spreadsheet goof.
DO NOT publish, “Rome is finally getting a Target at the Mount Berry Mall,” in your magazine or newspaper. Someone makes this same April Fools’ claim every year.
DO publish a realistic news article, “Guess who’s coming to the Mount Berry Mall?” with a picture of Santa Claus. But he’s wearing an oversized sombrero and combat fatigues. And his reindeer are dressed in ugly cat sweaters. And his sleigh is a 1999 Jeep Wrangler. And inside his magic sack is a diorama of melting icebergs. Did I mention he has an ironic hipster mustache? In his right hand is a machete, and in his left is a dolphin made of papier-mâché and stuffed with roasted cabbage?
Lastly, dear Roman, DO take this sage advice from the wisest man I’ve ever personally met.
“Imagine how different the world might be if we viewed all social media with the same skepticism we do on April Fools’ Day.”
— Abraham Lincoln
Disclaimer: This story was written by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *Some people live their lives as a shining example of what choices the rest of the world should avoid, like 19-year-old Mark in his college dorm room.
