Letters to the Emperor
DEAR EMPEROR NERO, THE FORGETTABLE,
“You forgot to include Missouri in your SEC Football preview last month. This is the kind of hamfisted troglodyte drivel that I expect from a charlatan such as yourself. Will you publish a correction amongst September’s snake oil correspondence?”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR DR. NEMESIS,
You claim my words are snake oil. But did you know that reading V3 Magazine for just ten minutes a day can cure wild goat leprosy? And grant a fourth wish from a genie? *
Allow the emperor to issue the following divine proclamation regarding the University of Missouri:
I will apologize for forgetting Mizzou football when the Tigers remember how to spell their own state.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“I love your column and read it every month. You should do a humor bit about how pumpkin spice is so nasty it didn’t qualify as one of the Spice Girls. You rock!”
— Anonymous Fan, Whose Name Does Not Rhyme with Brephen Jaylor | Darlington Class of 2002
DEAR ANONYMOUS FAN,
The pop group Spice Girls could add one hundred new flavor-mates, and Nero would pick poison sumac over pumpkin spice. Which brings up a more profound question. Why have the Spice Girls not appeared in an Old Spice commercial? Could someone get me the email for the marketing director at Procter & Gamble?
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
EMPEROR NERO,
“I’m a local farmer, and for the first time since 1964, there is no Chiaha Harvest Fair. Where should I sell my surplus crops? What else is there to do in Rome in the fall?”
— Bryce Kernhuskar | Coosa Middle School, Class of 2002
DEAR BRYCE,
Focus more on where to STORE your crops, not sell them. For a modest few denarii, the emperor will hide your extra harvest inside the Second Avenue levee. Ole’ Nero will miss the autumnal mercantile of Chiaha. It had everything you want in a harvest fair:
Arts, crafts, arts and crafts, crafts and arts, arti-crafties, handmade organic artisanal homespun cottage artistry, Chia Pets, granola moms, and soggy peanuts. Even the emperor can’t overestimate the cultural significance of 60 years of local festivals.
If fall festivals are your drug, and you need a quick fix, check out these events and gatherings from the official Rome, Georgia, USA, Office of Tourism:
- Downtown Rome’s Fall For All, Who Happen to Live Within Driving Distance of Rome, GA
- Family Resource Center Paddles and Pals Pickle Juice Tasting
- Mommy and Me Princess Tea Party & 4 Ring Circus
- TEDx: Euharlee
- Walk a Mile in Her Shoes 2025—But Don’t Try To Return The Shoes to DiPrima’s Afterwards, Cause They Are Not New Shoes Anymore, Which Is a Pretty Reasonable Retail Policy, Because After a Mile of Walking, Shoes Are Heavily Depreciated
- Wings Over North Georgia Airshow & Duck Hunt
- Burning Man—West Rome Chapter
- Schauzerfest Hot Dog Eating Contest
- Woodstock Furniture Outlet Indoor Camping and Concert Festival
- Children’s Museum of Rome Youth Business Expo
& Cryptocurrency Exchange
Let the Fall Festivus, for the rest of us, begin!
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
