Holly Lynch
Unfortunately, I’ve had a few too many personal experiences in this area over the last several years. I have attended funerals or helped plan funerals in two different states for loved ones from young people to the elderly. I’ve also witnessed lives wither away from disease and the decline of an aging body. Watching death happen and living with the aftermath does not get easier, but it does give me a better understanding of it. As an event planner, and someone who studies traditions in life, I’ve had a number of thoughts on this industry lately.
The “business” of death is a fascinating industry. Lawyers, courts, funeral homes, and cemeteries are all businesses. It’s a
type of business that is 100 percent necessary but not updated very often. I would also venture to say that many people do not fully appreciate or understand all of the details of planning for death until they’re in the middle of the process. Whether it’s the decision making before a person passes or the decisions after, none of it is easy.
However, I do think the industry needs a bit of an overhaul, starting with very blunt, bold conversations. Let’s begin that conversation here.
I hope this topic isn’t too sad for some of you. Death is an inevitable end for all of us, no matter our age, income, sexual orientation, political party, geography, or any other line that we would like to believe defines us. Death is the great equalizer (much like airport security lines!) Frankly, what happens to you after death may not matter to you, but it does matter to the people who love you. I have two specific areas of the death business that I would love to see updated with the times – what you plan and what the funeral homes can do to help.
For you, the friends and family: Plan your funeral. Plan everything about the end of your life just as if you were planning for a wedding or some other celebration. If you do not, you leave these decisions to people who knew you maybe not as well as you thought they did. Like planning any party, start with the location for your service. Are you religious? Is there a place of worship you prefer? Are you fine with the chapel at a funeral home? Which funeral home? This is literally the first question the hospital asks you when your loved one dies – which funeral home do you want to use? Do you want religious elements included in your service? Not very religious? That’s fine too – choose a pub or the library or some other public venue so your family and friends can gather to share stories of your life. Maybe give them some options since restaurants and venues often change over time. Will there be music? A hymn from your growing up days? Great. Which hymn do you want? Should someone sing it? If you don’t choose ahead of time, you’re going to end up with the Alan Jackson version of “How Great Thou Art” when you really wanted Carrie Underwood’s rendition. Do you want there to be a time for people to gather and greet your family before the service? Where do you want that to take place?
One of the most important questions is having a burial vs. a cremation. Do you want to be seen when you’re dead (i.e. an open casket)? I’ve always been amused at a visitation when greeters comment on how good someone looks in the casket. I can assure you this is the worst they’ve ever looked. Maybe the make-up artist and hair stylist did a fabulous job (kudos to that industry, by the way). I guess saying how good someone looks is a comforting comment for those grieving. Frankly, I do not want anyone looking at me when I’m dead. I barely want people looking at me while I’m alive!
Do you want to be cremated? I think the stigma of cremation has waned over the years. With our youngest generation, I don’t think they’re going to visit their dead loved ones at cemeteries like my parents’ generation did. I personally would rather be remembered in places that I shared with my friends and family. For me, cremation makes the most sense. I do not have children. Instead, I would love for a little bit of me to travel with anyone who outlives me to a place of they’re choosing. I love to travel so please, take me with you. Sprinkle a little bit of me when you cross the state line or when you head across the pond. I realize there may be laws and rules about such, but that’s not the gist of this article.
Friends, WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO HAPPEN. I promise that I wish some of my loved ones had written more things down. Write down what you want to be dressed in or if you want shoes. Literally, every detail will be one less decision your grieving family will need to make. It’s a gift you can give them.
The other part of this gift is having all the legal papers in order for the end of your life. [Disclaimer: this is not legal
advice.] I’ve been advised to have an advanced medical directive (sometimes called a ‘living will’), a power of attorney,
a medical power of attorney, and a will. Designate what is supposed to happen to you and your stuff ahead of time so there’s not a whole bunch of squabbling after you’re gone. Also, no one wants your fine china or your rare collection of ceramic hummingbirds. My entire royal memorabilia collection will likely be sold at a yard sale or donated to Goodwill. I’ve had to accept that reality.
In the second category of overhauling this industry, my comments are to the funeral homes. Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, update your interior décor. No matter the funeral home I’ve been to recently – whether it’s in the metro Atlanta area, here in Northwest Georgia, or in a bucolic New England community in Connecticut, I have yet to walk into a funeral home that looked good. Either the décor is a cast off from Liberace‘s garage sale or there’s furniture from the set of The Brady Bunch. Random sculptures, tacky candelabra, ugly wall décor: I’ve seen it all. Fake flowers with an inch of dust on them do not inspire me to honor my loved one. They definitely do not inspire me to spend a lot of money on a casket.
Can we please speak of caskets? I do not want to walk past an embalming room or down into the creepy basement of the funeral home to go look at a casket. This is the least exciting purchase I’ve ever made in my life (and I love shopping). Did you know you can order a casket on Amazon? I would love for someone to explain how that could work. I know funeral directors work hard, but I do wish there was more spelled out to us. Tell us where to stand and when to walk. Figure out who sits in the front row of the service (how many people will fit in the front row – these are literally the same questions we figure out for wedding ceremonies and it matters to families). If your client is not having a traditional funeral, it’s still important to figure out the flow of the event. It is a celebration, after all, and the best parties have some rhythm to them – when to sing, give tributes, share photos, and raise a glass.
I hope this column has inspired some thought and some conversation with you and your family. Start writing things down. An envelope labeled “Open first when I die” in a logical place would be a gift for your family and friends who want to celebrate you and your life. You may be 22 and just starting out in life or slap in the middle of middle-age or late into your 80’s. It doesn’t matter. We are not guaranteed any number of days, so please, write it down.
