Nero
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like that recurring nightmare where you bite into a juicy apple, and all your teeth fall out.
The cool air, the leaves changing colors, and out-of-towners are clogging campus roads while counting deer at Berry College. Is there a more delightful time and place than fall in Rome, GA? Nero thinks not.
First Question.
DEAR NERO
“The Coosa Valley Fair baking contest is in a few days, and it’s my first time making my grandmother’s famous pecan pie since she passed away. I don’t want to sound uneducated in front of the judges. Do you pronounce the word Pa–KHAN or PEE-can?”
Othella DeAngelchristo | RHS Class of ‘99
DEAR OTHELLA
The answer is complicated. Unlike my native Latin, regional dialects affect the pronunciation of most words in English. Lucky for you, my governess taught me this nursery rhyme to help me remember how to pronounce pecan.
“When in Rome, you may have to PEE. Can you find a toilet for me?”
“Way up North lived my Pa. His favorite movie was Star Trek 2: The Wrath of KHAN.”
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR EMPEROR,
“Every fall, my twin sister Melissabeth and I have the same argument. I do not desire autumn décor, but she maxes out her Hobby Lobby platinum card on the home decorations. Our front porch is covered with every hay bale from Euharlee to Trion. Last night, we had to rent a U-Haul after ‘a quick stop by the pumpkin church.’ We aren’t farmers, so why would we need a hand-painted ‘Harvest’ sign? I could go on and on. How do I limit the ostentatious madness?”
— Brelissabeth Jorgenson | Armuchee High School Class of ‘2015
DEAR BRE
Nero has a simple tip for dealing with petty squabbles about family traditions. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and answer this question:
Which sister controls more squadrons of trained legionnaires infinitely loyal to her every whim?
The Emperor follows the “Might Makes Families Right” doctrine of sibling rivalry. If you need my help, I am happy to lend you a few hundred centurions as a peacemaking force.
Perhaps you want a more passive-aggressive approach to end her impulsive Hobby Lobbying. Wake up early every morning and set all the clocks and calendars in the house to Sunday.
“Sorry, Mel, it’s Sunday [again]. Your craft haven is closed.”
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR MR. EMPEROR SIR,
“Pumpkin spice is gross. Prove me wrong.”
— JIMMY A.R. SHOLE | Obviously a pseudonym
DEAR JIMBUNS,
It’s not technically a question, but you’re preaching to the choir—if the choir was made up of anyone with taste buds.
Let Nero reveal a little secret the executives at Starbucks, Lumina, and Swift & Finch don’t want you to know. You won’t get this truth from Scooters, Green Mug, or the gluten-free cafe on Broad Street staffed by the uber-joyous missionaries.
No one actually likes pumpkin spice.
The United States Army developed pumpkin spice in World War One as a sustainable alternative to mustard gas. In 1985, the United Nations penned the Treaty of Versache, which banned chemical weapons in modern warfare. Every September, the Army opens the strategic Pumpkin Spice Reserves in Palo Alto, California, and sells the orange “flavor” to coffee shops for $0.03 per metric ton.*
If it were up to Nero, we would skip past pumpkin spice season and double down on Xmas Peppermint.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR DOUBLE “O” ZERO
“I owe you an apology. I was on sabbatical this summer and didn’t make time to be a reliable nemesis for the last few columns. But I’m back, and every academic bone in my body feels compelled to tell you:
Nothing you wrote is even close to historically accurate.
The truth about Pumpkin Spice is far more sinister. It began when the Vatical ran out of coffee beans in 1567, and Pope Gregory XII decreed that once a year on the island of Malta
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR DR. TUFFLESON
[Nero scrolls through the professor’s meticulously detailed 93-page email and deletes it out of boredom.] Welcome back, Dr. T. I want you to know from the bottom of my magnanimous heart:
Nobody noticed you were gone.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NERO,
“How long will you ignore the cultural elephant in the room? The most significant event this fall is the presidential election. In your unbiased opinion, who won the debate between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris?”
Michael Polfeagna | The guy who ruins everything by bringing up politics
DEAR MICHAEL,
As an emperor, I don’t sully myself with inferior forms of government. However, as a purveyor of advice, I am bound by professional ethics to answer.
After watching the spectacle between the candidates and all of their misleading claims, I think every Republican, Democrat, Independent, and undecided voter can all agree on one conclusion. And that conclusion is:
This article has just reached its word count.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. * A metric ton is the same as a regular ton, but has a German accent.
