Letters to the Emperor
First Question.
NERO,
“Whatz ur favorite Christmas karol? Mine is the 1 with the drums.”
Asher Bonneville | 3rd Grader at Johnson Elementary School
DEAR ASHER,
The emperor doesn’t have a favorite, but decrees the classics need to be updated to modern society. Some examples:
• “I Saw Mommy Sharing an Uber With Santa Claus”
• “Hey! Angels Not Named Harold, Rap”
• “It’s the Most Expensive and Stressful Time of the Year”
• “Joy to the People in My Political Party Only”
• “Away in a Short-Term Rental Property”
• “Jingle Bell Whatever Genre of Music Taylor Swift Performs”
• “Mary Did You Know That [redacted]?
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
EMPEROR NERO,
“Can you believe the NERVE of the Rome Christmas Parade? It was so cold I had to apply generous latherings of Bravon’s NoHeat Marvelous Mom Ointment™ to my skin four times before it started. We arrived six hours early to witness the school float but could not see my angelic glitterbugs. Why does the parade happen on Broad Street, where the parking is so limited? And why, in the name of reasonably priced skincare solutions, is the parade held on a Tuesday instead of the weekend?”
—Andrea Linditch | The Mom Who Always Complains, but Wants Everyone to Attend Her Multi-level Marketing Parties
DEAR ANDREA,
Is your overpriced hand cream supposed to ADD wrinkles? If so, it’s working.
Regarding your question about the holiday route specifics – the parade occurs on Broad Street because it’s the only byway in Rome with functional sidewalks. I assure you downtown is a much better site for the Yuletide motorcade than the alternative – doing laps around the empty Toys R Us building.
But why is the Christmas parade celebrated on a Tuesday every year? Most historians agree there is a 1 in 7 chance that Jesus was born on a Tuesday. Also, the emperor knows closing downtown on a Saturday would harm local businesses during peak shopping season. If you wanted to protect downtown retail AND have the event on a Saturday, there is only one logical conclusion from Nero’s heavenly lips.
The Rome Christmas Parade should move to Calhoun. If the Calhoun chamber objects, their parade can meet in Cedartown.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
RE: DEAR EMPEROR NERO,
“Greetings. I will be out of the office from Monday, December 16th, to Thursday, January 9th, and have limited email access. If you need immediate assistance, please contact the front office at 706-555-8008.”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR DR. TUFFLESOMETHING,
My nemesis is on vacation? It’s an Xmas miracle!
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NERO,
“My wife puts tremendous thought into buying the perfect Christmas presents for everyone in our family, but she is impossible to shop for. Do you have any advice or a holiday shopping guide?”
Kenji Yong | East Rome High School, Class of 1990
DEAR KENJI,
If Nero knows anything about women – it’s they like to show off the glamorous and sparkly. Diamonds are unrefined and bougie, but crystals are the glimmering stone she’s craving. Head to the Traveling Gypsies and Kava Den and get her the most romantic magic minerals on the shelf. Or feed her need for bling with a stop at the Shorter Avenue Krystal burger.
If jewelry isn’t her jam, nothing says, “I pay attention to you, my precious spouse,” more than jumping on Temu and snagging a transmission for a 2003 Honda Odyssey.
Local recommendations are much more difficult. There is only one surefire way to know which companies in Rome and Floyd County have a reputation for quality products and services at an affordable price – open a copy of V3 Magazine and look for full-page advertisements.*
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *I will be very surprised if this joke sneaks past the editors.
