Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It's like spending the first holiday season after your 104-year-old grandmother passes away, and realizing no store-bought bread product will ever recreate the gluten-rific majesty of her homemade rolls.*
First Question.
EMPEROR NERO,
“I teach math to elementary school kids, and this whole ‘6-7’ phenomenon is out of control. How am I supposed to educate our precious youth if every time I write both numbers on the board, the entire room erupts in brain-rotting laughter? Can you explain 6-7 and the wavy hands thingy? Did you experience anything this disruptive from the youth of ancient Rome?”
— Derrick DeRick | Teacher at Anna K. Davie Elementary School
DEAR DERRICK,
Thank you for your service to humanity. Being a math teacher for Gen Alpha has all the danger of a SEAL Team 6 mission, with only 7% of the glory. Where does the number saying come from? According to a recent article in the Calhoun News-
Chronicle, 6-7 originated from the dad joke, “Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven got in a fist fight with a velociraptor at 2:00 am in the Armuchee Waffle House.” It makes zero sense, and it never will.
Fear not Mr. Of Rick, kids of every generation have an obsession with funny numbers, whether it’s 69, 420, or typing five million, three hundred and eighteen thousand, and eight into a calculator upside-down. The quickest way to get the kids to cease the numerical shenanigans is for anyone over age 15 to 6-7 til the cows come home. Wave those weathered hands like a juggling mime. You will do it wrong, and this too shall pass.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“Settle an intense argument from our last HOA meeting. My neighbor decorated for Christmas the day after Halloween. Our family waits until the more traditional time after Thanksgiving. When is it too early to put up Christmas lights?”
— Spencer W. McAllistergion IV | St. Mary’s School, Class of 1989
DEAR SPENCER,
When is it too early to put up Christmas lights? 34 BC.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“I see what you did there.”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DEAR DR. TUFFLESON,
Thought you would like that one.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO,
“Before anyone eats Thanksgiving supper at our home, every person, regardless of age or experience, has to share what they are thankful for this year. I would invite you over for dinner, but only if you were willing to do the same. Young man, what are you thankful for?”
— Chenestra Datyphoidsk | Pepperell High School, Class of 1967
DEAR CHENESTRA,
Like a holy sea otter pulling the sword Excalibur from the face of Stone Mountain, Emperor Nero transcends primordial concepts of thanksitude and
gratifulity. He does not do thanks, nor giving.
In the spirit of the first pilgrims in the New World, I prepared a brief list of why you should thank your lucky fireflies that Nero Romansky the First, Emperor of Rome, GA, is the appointed regent of the Enchanted Lands:
- Nero declined to dance, by himself, in the SAC Rome Celebrity Dance Challenge.
- Nero singlefingeredly ended the U.S. Government shutdown by ignoring it for 43 days until it went away on its own.
- The emperor not only provided millions of dollars of SNAP benefits to needy residents of Floyd County, but also CRACKLE and POP benefits as well.
- Speaking of Rice Crispies, did you know that if you are lactose intolerant, apple juice makes the nostalgic breakfast cereal as soggy and disgusting as milk does?
- Ole’ Nero has never constructed a carwash thirty-eight feet away from another carwash.
- Nero finished his bucket list already, so you don’t have to.
And lastly, you should be thankful for Nero because the emperor never hid $1.5 million denarii from Roman authorities for thirty years inside giant sunflower-yellow kid-chariots.
Too soon?
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *R.I.P. Bernice Fryer (1921-2025).
