Nero Romansky

Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the perspective of the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified, long-lost descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like the awkward stepchild of Dear Abby, Gladiator, and Dumb & Dumber. 

MEET THE EMPEROR 

Friends, Romans, Floyd County-Persons, lend me your ears. More accurately, your eyeballs and excruciating short attention span. My name is Emperor Nero Romansky, and I am the great-great-great-many-times-great grandson of Julius Caesar. You may have heard of him. He invented the salad with romaine lettuce and flavored croutons. 

The Emperor has come of age to rule. My subjects must find me friendly, trustworthy, and approachable before they are fed to the lions for insolence. Romans, you may come near my throne with your written supplications, and the Emperor will grant you the untapped wisdom acquired through eighteen years of life in a sheltered palace. Do not be confused if the Emperor, me, refers to himself in the third person. 

First question. 

DEAR “EMPEROR” NERO, 

I’m a bit confused. I live in the city of Rome and am a citizen of the United States of America. We have a representative democracy with elected officials in the local, state, and federal governments. How does tracing your bloodline to Julius Caesar let you claim to be the Emperor of Rome, GA? 

 — Maria Espinosa | Class of 2008, Rome High School 

DEAR MARIA, 

Thank you for your kind and considerate letter questioning the legitimacy of my empire. Nothing makes a ruler more enthusiastic than a pushy Karen questioning his authority at the first opportunity. The “air quotes” around my title were a nice touch. If it was not obvious, please read the previous sentences in the tone of “dripping with sarcasm.” 

Two answers to your question, Karen. First, Zeus struck me with the hallowed lightning bolt of empire leadership, and then Athena shot me with the bronze arrow of the goddess of wisdom. Can any of your precious “elected officials” claim that divine right?  

Second, if you strolled down Broad Street for an afternoon, can you honestly say you still reside in the USA? Unlikely. Maybe if you lived in Armuchee or Lindale. 

Please share your home address with me, and one hundred Centurion soldiers will hand-deliver a gift basket conveying my sincerest gratitude for your unquestioning allegiance.  

Me Vexat Pede, 

 — Nero 

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DEAR EMPEROR NERO, 

“Zeus and Athena were Greek gods, not Roman.” 

 — Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College 

DEAR DR. TUFFLESON, 

Ahhh, the university professor. A shining light of our knowledge-based society. As you correctly discovered, there are gaps in my royal education and understanding of the modern world. However, like the legendary emperors before me, one shall not let ignorance or inexperience keep me from answering my subjects confidently and with conviction. What is truth? 

So no, Zeus and Athena were, in fact, Roman gods, regardless of what the “establishment” says. Also, your tweed jacket smells like a pile of dusty books covered in skunk farts.  

Me Vexat Pede, 

— Nero 

DEAR EMPEROR NERO, 

“So, summing up. You want local residents to ask real questions about Rome and Floyd County life. Then, you’ll answer those questions sarcastically in future columns. Like if Dear Abby, Gladiator, and Dumb & Dumber had a baby?”  

— Julia Agrippina Romansky | No relation to Nero Romansky 

DEAR JULIA, 

Yes, you nailed it. Once a month until this nonsense gets canceled. Thanks, Mom. 

Me Vexat Pede, 

— Nero 

Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional creations by the limited imagination of the author and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine.  

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