Letters to the Emperor
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like finding a half-eaten Big Mac in a dumpster and wrapping it up as a wedding present.
[Nero gazes at the sea of graduates in black robes and mortar boards, seated patiently in uncomfortable lawn chairs, waiting for the high school principal to call their names.]
“Where are you going, my graduates?” There is something heavenly about the sight of so many eager armadillos, ready to make their mark on the world before succumbing to a poor labor market or crushing student loan debt. Never fear, my adorable student squirrels. The Emperor of Rome will not steer your college or career aspirations off course.
First question.
DEAR EMPEROR NERO,
“I’m a parent with a minimum-wage job in food service and worry about paying for my daughter’s education. Will you tell me more about the Georgia Hope scholarship program or other resources to help my daughter graduate without a lifetime of debt?”
— Brenita Pilgrim | Hardworking Mom in Euharlee
DEAR BRENITA,
You and your family inspire me. Nero chose to forgo the university system to pursue full-time gig work as a Romegeorgian Emperor. However, as an angelic demigod, I’m happy to declare myself an expert on any topic, so let’s add financial aid to the list.
The Georgia H.O.P.E. Scholarship is an acronym. It stands for:
“Hope you already live in Opulence because most People have to sell a kidney or three to afford tuition Expenses.”
How do you qualify for H.O.P.E.? Buy a big old bucket of lottery tickets.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DERE EMPOR,
I gradated kindygad n
— Melodee Angeel | Kindergarten Class of 2024, Anna K. Davie Elementary School
DEAR MELODEE,
That’s more of a statement than a question, so I assume you want the most lucrative guidance your growing mind can handle.
You only have so many productive years to make money. Skip recess, stay awake during nap time, and work your tiny fingers to the grindstone. Bite, claw, and scratch anyone in your way until you are the alpha dog lording above your lazy classmates. If you haven’t made your first million by age eight, you’ve wasted your childhood.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NERO,
“What’s the best and worst career advice you ever heard?”
— Stanton Braselton | Unity Christian School, Class of 2024
DEAR STANTON
Best: “Never volunteer for candle duty in the Roman Colosseum.” *
Second Best: “Most managers don’t know how long your work should take or how to accomplish your daily responsibilities. You can build a long and mediocre career by blaming production delays on fictional software bugs or bureaucratic procedures you made up.” Old Nero worked at an unnamed plant in Lindale for 18 months and missed every company deadline due to a “Broken Python NanoTube Header File” and “Bi-Fortnightly Quality Progress Regress Stopgap Metric Test.”
Worst: “Live every day like you’re a crab fisherman in the Bering Strait, awake for 72 hours at a time, subsisting on cigarettes and Red Bull, wet, cold, hungry, on the infinitesimal chance that a four-second video clip of the back of your raincoat on the Deadliest Catch tv show will catapult you into a TikTok career of influencer stardom.”
Only Slightly Less Worst: “Interning at the secret island in Squid Game sounds like a great way to spend your gap year between high school and college.”
DEAR ZERO WITH A CAPITAL “Z” INSTEAD OF AN “N, “
“I’m tempted to boycott your column after last month’s shameless promotion of Mark Suroviec’s new book, thinly disguised as a thousand words of self-help advice. I will not be purchasing FUN Lies: The Ambassador’s Leaky Bucket of Stories That Are Completely Half-True, nor will anyone else with an ounce of intelligence.
Knowing you will ignore my letter, I implore you to reconsider writing this column. While most of this tomfoolery seems harmless, one must draw the line at giving impressionable students faulty career direction. I urge you to cease, desist, stop, terminate, conclude, discontinue, and retire this madness before you ruin real lives.”
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DOCTOR PROFESSOR HUMBERT,
You wound me with your words, but I will not injure you in return. Let’s bury the hatchet and put this sophomoric rivalry behind us. Please be my guest at the Roman Colosseum next weekend. My personal lion tamer has a new trick he wants to show you with his hungriest performer.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *Historical joke, but it won’t be funny if I explain it.
