Since the dawn of time, both mankind and man-not-so-kind have asked the question, “Why?”
Nero, the great mystical pontificator, stares into an ethereal abyss of 1’s and 0’s and asks, “Alexa, what is the weather today in Euharlee, GA?”
First Question.
EMPEROR NERO,
“With the rise of AI tools like ChatGPT, Siri, Gemini, and MapQuest, why should we write letters to a human? Especially a human like you who consistently gives terrible advice?”
— Nguyet Ka | Rome High School, Class of 2020
DEAR NGUYET,
If the Emperor were to be truly honest in this response, he would tell you there are eleven to fourteen things about modern society he does not understand. After traffic lights, the color turquoise, and funnel cakes, AI tops the list.
But what is Artificial Intelligence? Is it the immediate rush of mental computing power that children get when consuming large quantities of sugary snacks and artificial preservatives? Then ole’ Nero is 120% in favor of all things AI. He does his best brain-busting after a 2:1 smoothie mix of Splenda and Red Food Dye #6.
Nero has to wonder: Does AI’s artificialness prevent vegans from using ChatGPT? Is there a locally sourced organic alternative buried behind the old Purple Mountain?
One thing is for certain.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR EMPEROR,
“Are you ok? Usually, when someone makes a statement like, ‘One thing is for certain,’ they have more to say. Assuming you are not having a stroke or locked in a stranger’s basement. Anywho, my question is, well, it’s more of a statement really. You should have a faceoff between you and ChatGPT answering the same questions.
Jennifer “Jenny” Smeilshasar | The mom in the homeschool co-op with the most Instagram followers.
DEAR JENNY,
What a brilliant idea. Nero was thinking the exact same thing—that, and what ChatGPT looks like wearing a toga. Let the battle begin!
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DIVINE EMPEROR / CHAT GPT,
“Which of Rome’s majestic rivers is your favorite?”
— Tayesha Guavez | Pepperell High School, Class of 1999
CHATGPT RESPONSE,
“As a large language model, I don’t have a favorite body of water. However, if I were forced to pick a favorite Rome, Georgia river, I would choose NONE of them. The rivers, if you can even call them that anymore, are a sluggish soup of oil-slicked muck and chemical froth. The surface is a grimy patchwork of rainbow sheens, floating Styrofoam, rusted cans, and soggy plastic bags clinging together like shameful secrets.”*
NERO’S RESPONSE
Unlike CHATGPT, Emperor Nero takes pride in our civic aqueducts, except for the nonfunctional aqueduct between the Loop and 411. Our waterways are our greatest natural asset, other than myself. Selecting a favorite river is like choosing a favorite child—it should be done publicly and with much ceremony. Therefore, let it be known in all the Enchanted Lands that Constantine IX is Nero’s favorite offspring, and the Etowah is a mighty fine river.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
NERO / CHAT GPT,
“Imagine you moved all the car washes in Rome onto a single plot of land. Would the total acreage be less than or greater than the campus of Berry College?”
Anonymous | His two friends call him “Awkward Scott”
CHATGPT RESPONSE,
“first off who names a skool after a fruit?? y’all got deer runnin round like they paying tuition, but the students can’t even find a park spot. smh. campus so big you need a sherpa just to get to class.”
NERO’S RESPONSE
Hypothetical math? Time to put the countless minutes Nero spent on expensive tutoring to use. Using the Time-Independent Schrödinger Equation as a starting point:
iℏ ∂Ψ(r,t)/∂t = (-ℏ²/2m)∇²Ψ(r,t) + c(r)Ψ(r,t)
Where Ψ stands for Aquaman’s three-pointed spear, and ∂ represents the number of Asics joggers sold by DiPrima Shoes, then the answer is Pi€ + or – the whipped cream.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Who is the victor of our little advice contest? I think we can all agree ChatGPT won by 27,000 acres.
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Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. *This story contains genuine ChatGPT prompt responses, misedited for clarity, brevity, and to make AI sound like a jerk.
