Letters to the Emperor
Letters to the Emperor is a monthly humor column from the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome, GA. Nero Romansky, the unqualified descendant of Julius Caesar, answers his letters from his less-than-loyal subjects. It’s like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but the “gold” turns your skin green when you hold it too long.
“Constantine, why aren’t you in school today?”
Nero asked his precocious nephew.
“Uncle Nero, it’s summer vacation. There is no school until August.” Constantine giggled.
“Twas there ever a time that parents needed Emperor Nero’s advice, and it thus is now.” Nero looked towards the thousands of families in the Enchanted Land, forgetting his nephew was still in the room.
First question.
DEAR NERO,
“If this month’s column is parenting advice, we must know more about your qualifications. Do you have children?”
— Chloé Scarboro | Bartender at Barnsley Gardens / Mother
DEAR CHLOÉ
Let’s deal with the elephant in the room and answer your unspoken question. You find me incredibly attractive, but Chloé, you cannot have my baby. Frankly, I’m flattered by your offer. And to send this scandalous email to EmperorNeroRomanskyKnowsAll@gmail.com? My dearest Chloé, If you were that into me, you could have shown interest the old-fashioned way by swiping right on Tinder.
Technically, ole’Nero does not have any biological children. However, you forget who you are talking to. As the Emperor of Rome, GA, I govern 99,443 subjects in my empire as a metaphorical father figure. Consider me OVERqualified to dish out pro-tips.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR EMPEROR,
“Yesterday, my two-year-old threw a temper tantrum in the frozen foods aisle of Walmart because I would not open a popsicle inside the store. What advice do you have for dealing with difficult behaviors in public? Whenever my son acts out, I get really anxious and feel like a failure as a parent.”
— Min Li | Mother, struggling with the Terrible Twos
DEAR MIN,
First, the bad news. It’s obvious to all caregivers that this situation is 100% unique to you. Who has ever seen a child misbehave in public? I know I haven’t. Feelings of failure, because everyone else’s child is perfectly obedient, are a natural response to your lack of kid control.
Now for the good news. You are already crawling through the frozen food section. My advice is to bury your parental insecurities deep into the pit of your stomach…with lots and lots of frozen pie. It’s why grocery stores keep Key Lime on the bottom shelf.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR NERO
“My wife and I can not agree on the proper age to buy our child a cell phone. She thinks our daughter is old enough now, and I think we should wait. Could you settle the argument?”
— Santiago Cabrera | Father of a rising 6th grader
DEAR SANTIAGO,
This is a tough one. Experts agree that parenting is all about consistency. So, to be consistent, you should bulk all the significant milestones together. Get her a cell phone for her birthday when she’s old enough to do ALL of the following:
- Go on a first date
- Buy a lottery ticket
- Rent a car without a co-signer
- Run for president
The magic number is age 35, my friend. If you need a place to crash tonight, the palace has a luxurious futon in the guest room.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
DEAR WISE AND GENEROUS NERO,
“Parenting during the summer is tough. Where can I find educational opportunities for my kids, especially when it’s hot or in bad weather? If only there were a fun and safe place for children to explore our community.”
— Anonymous | Concerned Parent
DEAR ANONYMOUS
I appreciate your sincere question, which was cut and pasted from the mission statement of the Children’s Museum of Rome. Nero agrees that the 13,000 children under age 12 in Rome and Floyd County would benefit from a facility dedicated to STEAM play and education.
Imagine curious children experiencing a replica of what makes Rome, GA, special. They connect with our beloved landmarks and businesses, learning about baking, banking, farming, and firefighters. They practice caring for a sick animal, changing a flat tire, and the importance of preventative medicine. They splash their friends in a water table shaped like the Coosa River and climb to the scenic view atop the Clocktower.
Who wouldn’t want to build this together?
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
SERIOUSLY?
“Are you doing the shameless plug thing again? I’m surprised you didn’t share a call to action like, Please become a community partner at givebutter.com/CMOR*
— Dr. Humbert R. Tuffleson, Ph.D. | Associate Professor of Ancient History at Georgia Highlands College
DOCTOR PROFESSOR HUMBERT,
Guilty as charged.
Me Vexat Pede,
— Nero
Disclaimer: Emperor Nero Romansky is a satirical character written and created by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. All people and quotations are fictional, invented by the limited imagination of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of the author, editors, or V3 Magazine. * Children’s Museum of Rome is a genuine 501c3 organization seeking to help children build lifelong memories and skills in their future careers through the power of play.
